Excerpts from Anne Lister's Personal Diaries
Title
Excerpts from Anne Lister's Personal Diaries
Creator
Anne Lister
Source
'I Know My Own Heart' Helena Whitbread, editor (New York University Press; 1992)
Date
1821-1823
Text
Monday 29 January 1821 [Halifax]
Cutting curl papers half an hour ... Arranging & putting away my last year's letters. Looked over & burnt several very old ones from indifferent people ... Burnt ... Mr Montagu's farewell verses that no trace of any man's admiration may remain. It is not meet for me. I love, & only love, the fairer sex & thus beloved by them in turn, my heart revolts from any other love than theirs.
Thursday 8 February 1821 [Halifax]
Came upstairs at 11 a.m. Spent my time from. then till 3, writing to M- very affectionately, more so than I remember to have done for long ... Wrote the following crypt, 'I can live upon hope, forget that we grow older, & love you as warmly as ever. Yes, Mary, you cannot doubt the love of one who has waited for you so long & patiently. You can give me all of happiness I care for &, prest to the heart which I believe my own, caressed & treasured there, I will indeed be constant & never, from that moment, feel a wish or thought for any other than my wife. You shall have every smile & every breath of tenderness. "One shall our union & our interests be" & every wish that love inspires & every kiss & every dear feeling of delight shall only make me more securely & entirely yours.' Then, after hoping to see her in York next winter & at Steph's before the end of the summer, I further wrote in crypt as follows, 'I do not like to be too long estranged from you sometimes, for, Mary, there is a nameless tie in that soft intercourse which blends us into one & makes me feel that you are mine. There is no feeling like it. There is no pledge which gives such sweet possession.'
Sunday 18 February 1821 [Halifax]
George took to the post office, this morning, my letter to Anne Belcombe (Petergate, York). There was the following observation on the 2nd page...'You know I am not always happy; it is my misfortune to be singular in sentiment, & there lies the source of all that I lament in practice or in thought, & thence the deadly shaft that poisons my tranquillity. "But, mortal pleasure, what art thou in truth! The torrent's smoothness ere it dash below!"' Mary, Mary, if thou wert with me, I think I should be happy.
Saturday 13 July 1822 [Llangollen]
Two kisses last night, one almost immediately after the other, before we went to sleep ... Felt better, but was so shockingly low last night I cried bitterly but smothered it so that M- scarcely knew of it. At any rate, she took no notice, wisely enough ... M- told me of the gentlemanliness & agreeableness of Mr Powis who, it seems, might interest Mmore than duly had her heart no object but C-, with whom she has had no connection these four months.
Friday 11 July 1823 [Halifax]
Miss Pickford came at 61 ... staid with us till about 9 ... I talked rather more nonsensically last night. She owned to growing a little romantic now & then. Surprised me by hinting that Miss Threlfall would, perhaps, be jealous of me &, altogether, it absolutely occurred to me that, if I chose it, I could even make a fool of Miss Pickford. My aunt observes she looks at me as if she was very fond of me. She certainly softens down a little with me & flatters me both in word & action in every way she can.
Saturday 12 July 1823 [Halifax]
Could not sleep last night. Dozing, hot & disturbed ... a violent longing for a female companion came over me. Never remember feeling it so painfully before ... It was absolute pain to me.
Cutting curl papers half an hour ... Arranging & putting away my last year's letters. Looked over & burnt several very old ones from indifferent people ... Burnt ... Mr Montagu's farewell verses that no trace of any man's admiration may remain. It is not meet for me. I love, & only love, the fairer sex & thus beloved by them in turn, my heart revolts from any other love than theirs.
Thursday 8 February 1821 [Halifax]
Came upstairs at 11 a.m. Spent my time from. then till 3, writing to M- very affectionately, more so than I remember to have done for long ... Wrote the following crypt, 'I can live upon hope, forget that we grow older, & love you as warmly as ever. Yes, Mary, you cannot doubt the love of one who has waited for you so long & patiently. You can give me all of happiness I care for &, prest to the heart which I believe my own, caressed & treasured there, I will indeed be constant & never, from that moment, feel a wish or thought for any other than my wife. You shall have every smile & every breath of tenderness. "One shall our union & our interests be" & every wish that love inspires & every kiss & every dear feeling of delight shall only make me more securely & entirely yours.' Then, after hoping to see her in York next winter & at Steph's before the end of the summer, I further wrote in crypt as follows, 'I do not like to be too long estranged from you sometimes, for, Mary, there is a nameless tie in that soft intercourse which blends us into one & makes me feel that you are mine. There is no feeling like it. There is no pledge which gives such sweet possession.'
Sunday 18 February 1821 [Halifax]
George took to the post office, this morning, my letter to Anne Belcombe (Petergate, York). There was the following observation on the 2nd page...'You know I am not always happy; it is my misfortune to be singular in sentiment, & there lies the source of all that I lament in practice or in thought, & thence the deadly shaft that poisons my tranquillity. "But, mortal pleasure, what art thou in truth! The torrent's smoothness ere it dash below!"' Mary, Mary, if thou wert with me, I think I should be happy.
Saturday 13 July 1822 [Llangollen]
Two kisses last night, one almost immediately after the other, before we went to sleep ... Felt better, but was so shockingly low last night I cried bitterly but smothered it so that M- scarcely knew of it. At any rate, she took no notice, wisely enough ... M- told me of the gentlemanliness & agreeableness of Mr Powis who, it seems, might interest Mmore than duly had her heart no object but C-, with whom she has had no connection these four months.
Friday 11 July 1823 [Halifax]
Miss Pickford came at 61 ... staid with us till about 9 ... I talked rather more nonsensically last night. She owned to growing a little romantic now & then. Surprised me by hinting that Miss Threlfall would, perhaps, be jealous of me &, altogether, it absolutely occurred to me that, if I chose it, I could even make a fool of Miss Pickford. My aunt observes she looks at me as if she was very fond of me. She certainly softens down a little with me & flatters me both in word & action in every way she can.
Saturday 12 July 1823 [Halifax]
Could not sleep last night. Dozing, hot & disturbed ... a violent longing for a female companion came over me. Never remember feeling it so painfully before ... It was absolute pain to me.
Citation
Anne Lister, “Excerpts from Anne Lister's Personal Diaries,” Victorian Queer Archive, accessed April 19, 2024, https://victorianqueerarchive.omeka.net/items/show/30.